The word balance was something I pondered all year long in 2013. It was my word. I kept reading it, seeing it, hearing it, thinking it, practicing it. I thought about it in regards to most aspects of my life. My time, how I spent it, what I focused on, what I gave priority to. Time for me, the Roc, and GC. Time for friends. I paused many times this year to try to find the balance in my relationships, as well as my own emotions regarding those relationships. My anger, my sadness, my grief, my frustration. I let myself feel them all this year, and I tried hard not to get stuck in the rabbit hole for too long. I thought about balance in terms of money, how I managed our family budget and also the Roc’s budget and services. I thought about balance everyday with the Roc. Being the mom and being the therapist. Being a caretaker and being Kim. How much to push, how much to play, how much to teach. How much therapy is too much? I thought about balancing my diet and how much I exercise, and how running keeps my mind more balanced. I did a bit of yoga and found myself thinking a lot about balance as I literally balanced on one leg.
The word revealed itself to me over and over again, and I found myself whispering it over and over again throughout the year.
Balance is something I am going to keep being mindful of in 2014 because there are things in my life that are still unbalanced.
We are a work in progress.
When I think ahead to 2014 the words peace and let go keep showing themselves. Keeping the peace, finding time to be still and content, finding some peace within myself for mistakes I’ve made, and especially being at peace with things I cannot change. The last one is huge for me. There is so much I cannot change. Maybe it’s the holidays, the images I see online of my friends and how happy they all seem to be, and how our Christmas day was not picture perfect. Maybe it’s the weather, being stuck inside that clogs my brain, stirs up the longings of my soul. But lately I feel the differences of my little family are amplified in my mind. Our differences have affected every aspect of my life, whether I work and contribute financially to this family, how I parent, who I know, how we spend our time and celebrate holidays, my friendships, and my relationships with family. So much good has come from our differences. I feel a strength and a depth I had never known, and I am richly blessed by the people in my life.
But I still need to let go.
Find peace with the situations that are not as I had hoped or dreamed. It is my biggest personal challenge right now. The lesson I am working through.
So as I continue to balance, both arms stretched out, my hands in two worlds, I am going to work to find peace for myself in 2014.
And let go.