Tears

I did not cry.

I did not cry when the test immediately turned positive.

I did not cry when I called my sister with the news.

I did not cry when I called my best friend.

I did not cry when GC opened the box, realized what he held, and went to his knees in tears.

I did not cry when I told my PJMs.

I did not cry when I told my parents.

I did not cry when GC told his.

I did not cry talking to his brother.

I did not cry when I told my sister-in-law.

I did not cry.

I did not cry when I saw the blood.

I did not cry when I saw blood the next day.

I did not cry when I called the nurse.

I did not cry when she called back to tell me to come in the next day.

I did not cry when GC asked me what my heart told me…”Too much blood”  is what I told him.

I did not cry when there was more blood the next day.

I did not cry emailing my best friend.

I did not cry when she called a few minutes later.

I did not cry on the way to the doctor.

I did not cry listening to the Old Navy Baby Sale ads.

I did not cry watching the mother and father get their brand new baby out of the car in the parking lot.

I did not cry following the heavily pregnant lady into the building.

I did not cry filling out the forms.

I did not cry in the waiting room with my back to another pregnant lady.

I did not cry when the pregnant technician called my name.

I did not cry when I told her about the blood.

I did not cry when I told her about the 4+ years of trying.

I did not cry when I told her we had given up.

I did not cry when I told her I stopped paying attention, stopped charting.

I did not cry when I told her I was shocked to see the + sign.

I did not cry when she showed me the gestational sack.

I did not cry when she said she would have to do an internal, she wanted a better look.

I cried when I saw the heartbeat.

Tears and tears and tears streamed from my eyes.  Big choking sobs racked my body.  My legs shook.  I apologized for crying and shaking.

And I cried some more as I watched the tiny heart beating on the screen.

I did not cry when the blood didn’t stop.

I did not cry when the pain started, dull but insistent, 2 days after seeing that heart bleeping on the screen.

I did not cry when the pain intesified.

I did not cry when I saw more and more blood.

I did not cry when I called the nurse, again, 5 days after seeing that tiny heart pumping.

I did not cry when she said to come in.

I did not cry while driving back to the clinic.

I did not cry checking in at the front desk.

I did not cry in the waiting room.

I did not cry when the technician called my name.

I did not cry when I told her about the pain, the blood.

Tears pricked my eyes as she rolled the wand across my belly.

As the screen lit up with my empty uterus, I cried.

Cold tears seeped from my eyes and slid down into my ears.

There was no heartbeat to be found.

And I cried.

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20 thoughts on “Tears

  1. Oh Kim, my heart aches for you. I will never forget the moment I did not hear my baby’s heartbeat. I am so sorry you are experiencing such hurt, I am thinking of you and praying for your strength. I love you.

  2. Oh, my sweet, fierce mama friend. I am crying for you and with you. And I will weep joyful tears with you one day again soon. Whether over a new life or more richness in the life you already have with GC and the Roc. I love you.

  3. I am so very sorry that we have this in common. I have angel babies too. I know that it seems like there is nothing that will ever make it right again. Know that you will never ever stop loving this baby and you will think of them often…but it does get easier. It gets easier to cope with and though you will always wonder what they would have grown to be like….you will heal. Much love and healing energies to you.

    Love and light,

    Lucky Star
    http://www.victimnomore.wordpress.com

  4. “Never to have seen, but to have dreamed.
    Never to have held, but to have felt.
    Never to have known, but to have loved.”
    -author unknown

    Kim, I am so sorry. Please know that I am here for you…

  5. My heart aches for your loss. I will always remember how I felt when I didn’t see my three babies heart beat anymore. Thinking of you.

  6. My heart breaks reading this. I had no idea and Ellen told me I needed to read your blog! Praying for you Kim! Think about alot!

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