I wrote about our Christmas Eve, which was very relaxed and very happy. Now for Christmas day…which was both happy and…not. The Roc was so excited when he woke me up to tell me Santa had come, that there were presents under the tree. I knew that he went downstairs and checked out all the gifts before coming to wake me. I noticed the light on and heard the paper rustling long before he appeared by my side. I laid in bed smiling, waiting for him, loving the magic Christmas can bring. GC and I got up, took care of the animals and got some coffee before we allowed the Roc to start opening. He was ready! I so love that smile!
Santa brought him a lot of the things he had asked for.
and he was thrilled. We had a nice breakfast together,
but not long after the day began to unravel. I didn’t take another picture on Christmas day until the very end, before the Roc went to bed. I felt so bad for him and truthfully, for me too, by the end of the day. He was done and feeling bad, and frankly so was I. We both needed the day to be over.
Here we are a few days later and all I can comfortably say is that the second half of Christmas day involved a lot of screaming. There were some time outs, a room destroyed and put back together, and many strong emotions. Anger and frustration along with sadness that the Roc feels so volatile, because I know it cannot feel good to lose control. There were happy moments too, clinking glasses and saying cheers with my parents over lasagna, and knowing that they “get it.” They love us, love the Roc unconditionally, are not bothered when things go south, for that I am so grateful. Also, it’s always nice to hear that you are doing a good job, you are a good parent, even when you feel the opposite.
Sometimes this gig is hard. That picture above cracks my heart. I so deeply wish that things were easier for the Roc, and sometimes, selfishly, for me too.
Next year we will try again.